Softest orange twilight tonite brings my open heart to grace once again.
I feel, so often, the blessings of this divine play of life and I find myself crying with gratitude and joy at the magic that this life has offered me. In truth, it offers itself to all of us, but many of us (me too sometimes I admit) stay so busy and occupied by the mundane that we can often forget, for days, months and sometimes, for some, for years or even a lifetime. A few moments sitting quietly with nature though and I am quickly brought back to my senses!
Reflecting in this quiet time on the many amazing moments of a lifetime. The good dear friends who make me smile, those who reflect such beauty and wisdom to me are so cherished; yet it seems impossible to express the depths of my love for them in any way. I Love you is just such a tiny piece of the equation.. I am you.. I see myself in you, I honor you.. still not even close to what I feel in my heart for those special lights who have walked some piece of my path with me. There truly are no words to express the profundity of love.
Tonite, sitting watching the last sensual embers of light fade into the dark of night I sent my love to them all, in all the corners of the earth that I have been blessed to touch my feet upon where I met their smiling (and sometimes not smiling) faces. Waves of peace and gratitude for the parents who, though they do not understand me, gave me my foundation to become the woman I am becoming. The woman I am learning more and more to love with great passion and tenderness. Not the egoic love of "I'm great," but the true acceptance of myself, with all my "faults," all my weird parts, my neurocies even. Love is acceptance and I am finding every day that I am learning more and more to accept all of myself with grace. A lifelong practice it seems to offer me. May we all bless our parents, even those who really didn't do as good of a job as we think they should have, for they gave us the greatest gift of life, and maturity is facing that acceptance that no one can ever be perfect for us but ourselves.
I watch nature and it gets easier and more simplistic to comprehend acceptance:
Does the earth try to change the plants that grow forth from it?
Do the plants complain to the weather that it's too hot or too wet?
Does the butterfly try to change the smell of the flower it suckles?
Does the hummingbird, whom I have been seeing every few minutes here, dislike the whirring of it's own wings?
Does the coyote question the strength of the herd it's stalking or simply await it's dinner if fate chooses to weaken one calf or not?
Does the river say to the sea, "I wish you'd get out of my way already, you're blocking my flow."
Love is total acceptance and total being of itself, and truly, nature embodies love in all it's forms.. wild, raging, hungry, passionate, animalistic, reflective, on and on.. there is for me no greater sanctuary, no more complete temple than the planet we live on. When we learn this, all that we must endure become gifts for our greatest unfolding. When we learn this, we are always in prayerful embodiment recognizing the divinity in all we see from the pauper to the prince, the parasite to the pretty flashy feathered peacock. We realize "church" isn't a building, the temple is within us, around us, underneath our feet; prayer is alive always in our senses and our touch. As above, so below. We are that which we seek outside of ourselves and when we get still, we know this to be true. No one else can make us complete, not a lover, not a job, not a house, not a man or woman alive can complete us, they can only compliment us and teach us and share with us our own self.
Nature is the greatest teacher I have ever known or will ever know I'm sure.
I was feeling tonite into my own life. My life has been, as truly I believe all lives are, an amazing experience. I have been blessed beyond what I often feel I am worthy of with good solid people, wise and loving reflections, and funky whacky trippy opportunities and people who remind me to live life as fully as I can; and though I may not ever have many of the "normal" comforts of "security" that many people value above all else, a "job," "house," "marriage," etc. I realize that what I have been gifted is pure grace to experience life in ways that many people may never know. I find myself regularly in complete humble astonishment at the beauty around me and within me when I allow it to unfold.
Music, poetry, sensual passion that is unbridled and wild, magic, mystical awakening to greater truths than money or the "American dream" have been part of my life since I was a small child. I have always known the Divine and been in awe and that to me is one of the biggest gifts I could have been given or chosen. I often try to deny those gifts, thinking that's not "enough" and I have to be "successful" in the ways society expects. Then, on nites like tonite, I get real and realize the illusion vs the reality of life: stillness, unparalleled natural beauty, mountain tops, a life where friends are making me smile and laugh on Facebook from all the different parts of my life, from highshool, my drum circle years, my professional musician colleagues who sings songs that make me fall in love with them to their bones hearing their passion that resonates with mine, Costa Rica connections, and I feel deeper than ever how much love I have been allowed to experience and how loved I am by so many whom I love and adore with all my heart.
What could I find more enrapturing right now than a night like tonite, alone in thousands of acres of desert and mountains, with no sound but crickets, no breath buy my own, no distraction whatsoever from my own depths, a shot of good tequilla and a sacrement of stillness?
I live in gratitude
I walk in gratitude
I breathe in gratitude
and in that gratitude there is such deep celebration in my heart for this life.
Thank you to all of you whom have graced my life with so much sweetness, humor and reflection of greatness. Though the words can never touch the true depths of my love for you, I LOVE YOU!
If I left the planet tonite, I would leave content and grateful for this walk on Planet Earth, for getting to know nature in the way that I do, for the coyote's song, for the crickets and cicadas, the howler monkey's, the sweetest yummiest jams and grooves by firelight, on stage, in living rooms, at my campfire last week in Crested Butte, with big lights or no lights, for the poetry that has floated effortlessly thru me from the Divine spirit of the Muse, for my family, for my sweet nephew who is now a man, for my dear sweet mother who I pray finds peace, and my father who I believe is maturing into his own grace, for my beloved partner Jessee of 7 years, for Matt who gifts me this sanctuary in Crestone every year, for Wolf and my drum brothers and sisters, for so much amazing life...
When I do go, have a big all night fire ceremony for me and play, dance, sing, and celebrate the joy that I know to be truth in this life that you have shared with me.
Cry but not for me.. I have lived a full life already and if this were my last night, I would go
In peace
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